Writing this has been on my heart for some time now. Many sleepless nights, restlessness, trials and tears have been my lot for the past few weeks. I feel like a broken record anytime sometime asks how I feel. Sick. Still sick. Week 19 of pregnancy and yes I’m still nauseous every single day. Along with occasional heart burn, acid reflux, and exhaustion. Most of the time I feel bad even answering because I feel like all I do is complain about how difficult this is. Daily I need to re-focus and remember there’s a human growing inside of me - life. It hit me harder when one of my dear friends became pregnant around the same time as me and had a miscarriage - her second. How could I complain about about this little life growing in me? I am so grateful for this baby. As difficult as it has been and will continue to be, I am eternally grateful for the new life inside of me. Lord forgive me for complaining about this little, (currently) bell pepper-sized blessing.
The other main part of this pregnancy that has been so difficult for me is that I am a do-er. One of my “strengths” is Achiever. I like getting things done. I see every day as a blank slate and I need to cross off X number of things to make the day count and to feel like I contributed something. Being sick and pregnant and tired, I can’t really do much. Today felt like I ran a marathon and all I did was clean the bathroom (for the first time in a month). Not being able to keep up our house, cook, even make a grocery list without feeling like I’m going to puke is really hard. Because for me, I feel like I need to bring something to the table. I feel like a horrible mother and wife because I’m not contributing anything. No one has told me, but I feel like it’s true. On the contrary, many have told me that’s certainly not true but deep down I don’t believe them. You may say I'm dumb and I don't really believe that or feel that. But honestly, I do. I feel like a failure everyday because all I can do right now is rest.
This isn’t something I struggle with every once in a while. It’s a daily struggle. To not feel useless. To not feel like I’m lazy and just taking the easy way out saying “my body needs to rest” as I eat saltines in bed while watching The Office. As I thought through this, and cried through it, and complained to my husband about how I am such a bad wife, I began to realize that this struggle is an issue between me and God. That the way I see myself with my daughter and husband is also the way I see myself with God.
You see, I’ve realized that for the past 5+ years of marriage, I partially thought I could earn my husband’s love. And now my daughter too. Even though I know Trevor doesn’t just love me for what I do- organize the house, clean, do laundry, meal plan, cook, use coupons etc, I felt like doing those things regularly DID make him love me more. And when I couldn’t do those things anymore, I felt like an utter failure. I have cried multiple times over the past 15+ weeks apologizing to Trevor for not being able to cook or clean or do anything of “value” (in my eyes). Time after time he has told me to stop apologizing. That he doesn’t love me or not love me based on those things. That I’m growing a human life inside of me and I need to take care of myself and this baby. That he’s fine eating his can of clam chowder every day.
As this continued, I realized that this stems from my relationship with God. That deep down, part of me still thinks I can earn the love of God, that I can earn salvation. Maybe not outright - when I think about it I know that I can’t. But based on my actions and my heart, deep down, I do. I think God loves me more when I do X, Y and Z. And when I don’t do those things, I feel far from him and that He is upset with me. That I need to do more to make up for what I missed. This whole struggle in being pregnant and unable to do the things I want to and even need to do has humbled me. It’s made me dependent on others. Mainly on God.
For the most part, my sinful nature honestly believes I can function without God. Because I’m a do-er, I can get pretty far on my own. What a lie that is. I am so deceived when my mind turns to that thinking. These past 19 weeks of pregnancy have reminded me daily of my dependence on God. That I cannot do this on my own. That I never could even though I thought otherwise. I can't tell you how many times in the past few months that I've just felt so overwhelmed and said "I can't do this anymore!" Day after day, being sick and fighting through every bite of food - I just felt like it was too much. I've told God He picked the wrong person for this trial, that I am not capable. And time and time again I heard Him say "you're right - you're not capable. But I am." That His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I wasn't capable because I was trying to do this on my own, like everything else in my life. Shocker.
I am reminded that I am loved by God not because of who I am or what I do but because of Jesus’ blood shed for me.
It is foolish to think that I can bring anything to God’s table. Here I am, giving my best, thinking God needs me or is grateful that I am giving Him so much. I love this quote by CS Lewis which addresses this thinking
“Every faculty you have, your power of thinking or of moving your limbs from moment to moment, is given to you by God. If you devoted every moment of your whole life exclusively to His service you could not give Him anything that was not in a sense His own already. So when we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God, I will tell you what it is really like. It is like a small child going to its father and saying, ‘Daddy, give me sixpence to buy you a birthday present.’”
And yet that is what I do. I offer God my best, thinking I’m doing Him a favor. How foolish! So this whole struggle I have had with being sick and being incapable of doing much at all has made me realize I have a problem. My view of God and what He expects of me is distorted. I cannot earn His love or salvation. It is a free gift, not by works or anything I can do. And even after receiving that salvation, I am giving back to God only what is already His. I cannot add to who God is or His greatness. When I change my perspective and view it as just that - giving back to God what is already His - it makes more sense. I can’t do anything to add weight to my scale. Jesus is enough - He’s already paid what I owe.
This has been one of the hardest seasons I have gone through. And I believe it’s been one of the most stretching and growth provoking seasons as well. I am grateful for how God has spoken to me in this season and how He has used people to bless me and speak truth into my life. I am grateful to know that I actually don’t have to earn anything. I realize that when I am struggling with something that I know deep down not to be true - like that I am unloved because of what I do - there’s usually a deeper issue. Most of our problems stem from a problem in our relationship with God. It wasn't until I got right with God, and believed that I don’t need to earn anything from Him, that my other struggles began to subside. There’s always a deeper heart issue. I hope I start there first next time.
